I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize