If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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