life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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