hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize