Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
