that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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