oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
