Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
