my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
