i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
