I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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