My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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