Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
