Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Pants are for mortals
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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