the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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