ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I look better un-naked...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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