I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
