I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
