I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
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