You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize