Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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