wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
