It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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