Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
