having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
