We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
