Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
