There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
