I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
