my phone needs a breathalizer
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
