i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
