I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
