I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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