We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
