"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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