the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
should my penis look like a turkey
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
