Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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