she woke up with a sticky ear
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
