Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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