Can i not drive my cunt home
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
