he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
