I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
