I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
