I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
