: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
