my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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