what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize