260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
