and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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