I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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