i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize