His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
