Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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