i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
