He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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