you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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