hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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