Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
