i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
